Many children go through one or more stages of experiencing worries and fears. It’s important to explore these feelings with your child, to ensure there is not something serious occurring, that needs adult help and intervention.
Children often feel worry or fear at bed time. As children get older, they realise there is a big world out there, and they are very small in comparison, with very little control. They learn that there really are bad people out there. The parent(s) are their safe base, the protector. When it’s bed time children realise that they will be spending time away from their safe base. It’s also dark, often quiet, and children have amazing imaginations! They might start to think of scary creatures, all sorts of bad things that might happen to their parent(s), the thought of living without special loved ones etc. Distractions are minimised at this time creating space for them to think about stressful incident(s) that may have occurred during the day, or events that might be coming up.
What we can do to help:
Minimise exposure to the news and other scary shows:
These shows offer fuel for your child’s imagination. When I was a child, I watched Australia’s most wanted. This show offered A LOT of fuel for my imagination. I thought people were going to break into my house, kill my parents and the list goes on. I struggled big time, I felt fear at bed time and I dreaded this time of day. What I didn’t understand then that I do now, is the likelihood of these things actually happening. When I was a child, I thought it was very likely that someone was going to come into my home and do these horrible things. Yes, there is a chance, but I didn’t realise that it was so micro small. If your child has watched something that has scared them, you can help them understand chance, the likelihood. My son went through this stage and when he was scared, I would explain ‘the chances of it happening’ as well as the next point.
Talk about what we have control over and what we don’t:
If your child is worried that a baddy is going to get in and hurt them or their loved ones. Then talk to them about what we have control over. We can go around and ensure the doors are locked, the windows are locked, a safe adult stays in the house. Are there any other ways you can both think of? Then, you can talk about what we can do with all the rest that we cannot control, and this is where a visualisation like White Light Sleep Tight really helps. We can ask a force bigger than one self to help, we can put our worries in the basket for an angel to look after, we can protect our-self, loved ones and our home, we can call upon power beings and animals, we can use our imagination to think of an amazing place where we feel safe and happy. The reality is that there is a lot we do not have control over. We cannot promise to our children that nothing bad will ever happen, but we can help them to learn to manage these feelings of uncertainty by talking about what we can control and handing over what we cannot to a force greater than us, then redirecting out imagination in a positive direction.
Listen to your child:
When children share their fears and worries, it can help on a number of levels. Research has proven that when we share our feelings it improves our well-being. We can help them to name what they are feeling, which helps them to understand these overwhelming experiences. We can help them to learn how to regulate their emotions, and we can help if there are serious situations happening (see my child safety section further down). Once we have listened to and explored what our child is experiencing, we can then step them through adding the worry into the basket for an angel to look after.
Be their coach:
Children will not understand this after one discussion. They need to practice it over and over. When their brain is in a stressed state it makes it harder to access logic, it needs to be deeply ingrained for this to occur. We can be their coach, talk them through, so that as they get older they can take over and do it themselves. Even adults often need reminding not to worry.
Working at overcoming worries:
If your child is scared of something and it is preventing them from doing things. We can help them to create a plan to beat the worry. I like to call them “the worry” because if we call it “my worry” or “your worry” it encourages ownership of it, rather than ‘a worry’ that is not a part of us, ‘a worry’ that we can overcome and not own forever. For example, your child is scared to be in bed on their own.
The plan might look like this:
*Mum will sit next to my bed and read her own book while I go to sleep. Once mastered,
*Mum will sit out of my room but in line of sight until I go to sleep. Once mastered,
*Mum will be out of sight but check on me every five minutes. Once mastered,
*I can go to sleep being able to hear Mum doing things in the house and Mum will check on me before she goes to bed.
Keep in mind that sometimes children take a step back before moving forward again, this may occur when there is additional stress occurring or they are needing more time with us.
Books:
The Warrior Workbook: A Guide for Conquering Your Worry Monster by Dan Peters is where this concept comes from. I highly recommend this book if you need more help to approach your child’s worries and fears in this way.
Children gain a lot from books and there are many books to help children work through all kinds of situations. You can google ‘Children’s Books That Teach Kids About Emotions’ and you will find lists of suggested books. Many of these books are on YouTube, or you can borrow many of them from your local library.
Child Safety
When your child is struggling it is not always a child safety concern. I experienced a lot of fears as a child, and I can pin point it to a TV show that I was watching.
However, it is very important to explore your child’s experience, to try to identify the trigger and to help them, no matter how small or big the trigger.
It is also important to make time to talk with your children, to talk about emotions and feelings and what is happening in their life. The blogs I offer for children are not going to work if there is harmful events occurring such as domestic violence, sexual abuse, and/or bullying. A child needs to feel safe, they will not feel safe if any of these situations are occurring. Once these situations are appropriately addressed and the child is in a safe home with safe adults, then you can use my blogs, along with any recommended professional help.
Research has shown that children who are educated in child safe behaviors are less likely to be targeted for abuse as they are more likely to seek help and be understood when they do so.
Therefore you can help prevent sexual abuse by allowing your child to attend school based child safe programs (such as the Ditto program). To read books with your child such as ‘Everybody has got a bottom’. There are many others that you can find with a google search.
I also recommend the book Permission to Feel by Professor Mark Brackett. Unlock the power of emotions to help yourself and your children to thrive. A great tool for adults, and to use with children.
Here is a list of useful numbers (for Australian residence) that can help in the case harmful situations are occurring:
If in immediate danger call: 000
DV Connect (Domestic Violence Support): 1800 811 811
Family and Child Connect (connect you to the right support needed): 13 32 64
Bravehearts (national Information and Support Line, provides information or support relating to child sexual assault and exploitation): 1800 272 831.
